Dear HR, My Sex Life Is Not Your Business

Last week, a former colleague of mine interviewed for a job. During the interview, he was asked about his family. 

“Do you have kids?”

“Do you want them?”

The interviewer could have just been making conversation, trying to connect, but I shook my head hearing that a senior person working for a large global organization was asking these questions in 2021. 

And it reminded me of a few of my experiences with business and HR leaders over the past decade in London.

When I arrived in London in 2009, I naively thought I was presenting myself as an educated, experienced, ambitious professional. That might have been evident by reading my CV or speaking with me – but the louder message that I was unaware I was silently (but loudly) communicating was “I am a woman of childbearing age!”

And though I didn’t have any children (yet), I was engaged to be married. 

Red flag.

That meant that bright red lights and sirens flashed as soon as I appeared for an interview – and though I didn’t realize it at the time, they continued to follow me for years.

I remember one job interview where the interviewer (who was in a senior leadership role at the company) commented on my engagement ring and asked if I was married. I told her that my fiancé and I had just arrived in the UK and hadn’t planned our wedding yet.

“So you’ll probably want to have kids in the next couple of years?”

I was taken back by that question (so young and naive!) as I was more interested in a job than a baby at that point.

I deflected by making a joke, but I was put off by the line of questioning, and stopped wearing my engagement ring to job interviews. 

Fast forward a few years when I was working in a large global bank. One day my boss – a senior leader in HR – was walking past my desk when she stopped in her tracks.

“Beth.” 

She said my name firmly, like she was making a statement. 

Then there was a dramatic pause.

The earnest look on her face had me worried.

“Do you have kids?” she asked.

“No,” I replied, curious why she was asking. 

She tilted her head and gave me a disapproving look.

“You’d better get on it,” she replied. “Tick tock. Tick tock.”

Then she walked away. 

I sat there totally confused at what had just happened, wondering why my biological clock was suddenly so loud it could be heard down the hall. I had never mentioned kids to my boss, and in fact, she didn’t really know anything about me as a person. So this interaction was especially odd.

Fast forward another five years, when I was working at an Investment Bank. 

I was in a senior role when I had my first child, and returned from maternity leave determined to prove I could do everything I did before I became a mother – and more. I didn’t want anyone to question my ambition or commitment. 

There were no photos of my baby on my desk. I did not offer any details of my life as a new mother and only spoke about my child when I was asked direct questions (which didn’t happen often). I was there to work, to help my boss, and excel in my job.

That was my focus.  

Yet again, one senior woman (in HR!) seemed fascinated with my reproductive plans.

“When do you think you’ll have a second?” she’d ask out of the blue.

I didn’t have any plans for a second child at that point. I didn’t know if it would even be an option. And this woman was a work colleague - not my friend. She hadn’t sent me a gift or a card when I was on maternity leave. She was not someone I’d ever spent time with outside of the office.

I found a way to dance around her questions without providing any real detail.

But she kept asking.

Every fortnight we’d attend the same leadership meeting, and I knew she’d find a new way to ask me the same question.

“Are you going to have a second?” 

“Does your husband want another child?”

“I bet your parents would love another grandchild!”

Her questions were constant – and annoying. I finally understood how Jennifer Aniston must have felt when reporters constantly speculated about her pregnancy status in interviews and on the covers of magazines. 

I felt this woman in HR was eyeing my stomach constantly to see if it was changing. Was that a growing baby bump under my dress – or had I just eaten too many nachos last night?

This isn’t OK

There was a point in time when asking other girlfriends about their family plans felt as benign as asking if they watched Lost last night.  

But would you ever turn to a work colleague and say, “So, are you and your partner having unprotected sex?”

Because that is essentially what you’re asking someone when you ask if they are trying to have a baby. 

You may ask your friends about this – (though, perhaps think about how and when to enquire with friends, too, as this can be a painful topic for many) – but this is not an appropriate topic for work colleagues.

And it’s definitely not an appropriate topic or line of questioning for job interviews.

You may think you are making innocent conversation, but when you ask these questions in job interviews you are exposing yourself (and the company) to legal risk and potential discrimination claims. 

And aside from that, it’s none of your business.

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Beth Collier helps people improve their communication, creativity, and leadership skills through private coaching and team workshops. She brings global corporate experience, Midwestern practicality and enthusiasm - and an endless supply of pop culture references to keep things fun!

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