In Defense of the “Childless Cat Ladies”
When I was a young girl, I remember being with my dad and meeting a couple who were about his age.
“Do you have kids?” I asked the wife.
“No,” she said.
“Why not?” I asked innocently.
I can’t remember what she said, but I do remember an odd look on her face.
And I remember my dad telling me later that it wasn’t appropriate to ask people why they didn’t have kids.
At the time, I didn’t fully understand what I had done wrong – but the moment (and the lesson) stuck with me.
In my young mind, I thought that if you wanted a baby, you could easily have one. I was too young to know what fertility problems or miscarriages were.
But I would learn.
I have two kids of my own now, so I feel I can speak about this objectively – not as a mother or as a woman specifically, but as a human who cares about other people.
When I saw a clip of Vice President candidate JD Vance saying the United States was being run by “a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too,” I thought about my female friends who don’t have children.
Because some of my closest friends don’t have children.
And they don’t have children for a myriad of reasons.
Taylor Swift - a “childless cat lady” is considered “Mother” to millions of Swifties
One desperately wanted to be a mom.
She’s smart and pretty and kind, but didn’t meet the right man to have a family with.
Another didn’t want children.
She’s great with my kids, always sending them thoughtful gifts and interacting with them warmly and with love.
She might have been able to have kids of her own, but she never had a desire.
Another friend wanted kids desperately.
She tried for years. She even managed to get pregnant a few times.
But not all pregnancies lead to a baby nine months later.
She’s suffered devastating – and dangerous – miscarriages over the years.
She and her husband also tried IVF, but that doesn’t always result in a baby, and it didn’t for them.
Her “childless” status is a source of great pain – possibly the greatest pain she feels.
But most people have no idea of the loss and hurt she has suffered.
And I’ve met other women who worried about the economics of having a child – or what kind of planet and world their children would inherit.
There are all kinds of reasons women don’t have children.
Being a mother is something so many women dream of.
And being a mom can be wonderful – but it’s not for everyone.
As my friend Jo – who is happily childfree – told me, “I love my life as it is.”
“I enjoy doing things I know I couldn’t with kids.”
The childfree Dolly Parton (whose Imagination Library has gifted more than 200 million books to children
When I meet women, it’s natural to ask if they have children because it gives us an instant connection point.
But when a woman tells me she isn’t a mother, I do not pry.
It’s not my business why she doesn’t have children – and I know that there could be many reasons, some of which are painful.
The women I know who are childfree are not the selfish, miserable “cat ladies” Vance thinks they are.
They are wonderful aunts, loving daughters, and generous friends.
Their worth – and any woman’s worth – is not determined by their reproductive status.
And – unlike what Vance of others might claim – they absolutely have a stake in their country’s future.
I learned at a young age that someone’s reproductive history was not my business.
I think it’s time for Vance (and others) to learn that lesson, too.
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Beth Collier loves writing, pop culture, and being a mom to two curious children.
She also loves helping companies, leaders, and teams improve their communication (and creativity and leadership) through consulting, coaching, and workshops.
Her clients benefit from Beth’s global corporate experience, Midwestern practicality and enthusiasm, and an endless supply of pop culture references.
To find out how Beth can help you become a more confident, creative, and compelling leader – or improve communication in your company – visit www.beth-collier.com or drop her a line at beth@beth-collier.com
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