My Dad Is Not a Moron

And he’s not going to spend Father’s Day smashing beer cans on his head.

Every June it rolls around. 

And every June, I expect it to be better.

But it’s not.

I’m talking about shopping for Father’s Day cards.

It’s 2021 – and yet, I am still finding the same crop of garbage cards.

Jokes about farting.

Fishing.

Drinking beer.

But I need a card for my dad – and my step-dad. And neither of them fish, drink beer, or delight themselves by farting.

And I can’t be the only one who feels this way.

It’s not just these cards that are off, it’s the OTT sentimental ones, too. 

A lot of people have complicated relationships with their fathers. They may not relate to a card with pancakes that says ‘No one stacks up to you, Dad’ or the championship trophy that says ‘World’s Best Dad.’ Their dynamics may not fit the ones Hallmark caters to, but they still want to send a card on Father’s Day.

Darth Vadar - Model Father

Then there are the jokey ones that show how useless Dad is. He can’t change a diaper or do anything around the house, but you love him anyway!

And I think dads deserve better.

I want a card that recognizes the fun times I had with my dad growing up. The time he waited in line for two hours with us at Disneyland because we were desperate to go on Space Mountain. 

Or the time he took us to see our first concert – Whitney Houston – and said we had to listen to ‘his’ music on the drive there – but then surprised us by playing Whitney!

Not my actual ticket, but this was the concert!

How about the time he made me PB&J sandwiches, wrapped in tin foil when I was an extra in the movie, Hoosiers? He put a note in the sandwich that said not to forget about him when I was a star.

I want a card that celebrates my step-dad for chaperoning my kindergarten class field trip to the apple orchard. That tells him I remember when he picked up all my 6-year-old classmates and lifted them up to the higher branches of the tree so they could pick their own apples. 

I want a card that reminds him how I used to help him in the chemistry lab, cleaning test tubes and beakers to earn enough money to buy a cassette tape. He’d take me to the record store at the end of the day to buy the tape and then we’d listen to it in the car on our way home.

It took a day’s work to earn this tape!

I want a card that says thanks for driving to Cincinnati to pick me up at the airport so I didn’t have to fly back to Chicago with my ex-boyfriend after we broke up in Ireland.

I love a good ‘I’m your favorite’ wink wink nudge nudge kind of card. But I also want something that is more heartfelt, that shows my dad and step-dad that I appreciate them. I want something between the gushing ‘You’re the Wind Beneath My Wings’ and the flippant ‘Enjoy Getting Wasted Today’ options. 

But cards feel trapped in these two camps. And with divorce and blended families, a lot of kids don’t grow up in the house with their dad. There may have been a time when most boys played catch with their dad, but the picture of a 1950s suburban father feels outdated now – at least for the masses.

Relationships may be complicated. But cards don’t have to be.

There must be a lot of people who want to thank their dads – or father figures – for the roles they played in their lives, but need some middle ground to the options on offer.

And though we don’t know what the future holds, it’s probably safe to say that Father’s Day will return next year.

So my request to the greeting card companies is to recognize that families – and fathers – have changed. 

And now’s a great time to start brainstorming more creative ideas than beer bottles and farts for 2022.

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