How a small word choice hit me in my core

I got up at 6 am today – so I could have an hour to myself.

I tiptoed out of the bedroom, put on my workout clothes, and headed downstairs, hoping not to wake anyone else in the house.

I opened the Peloton app on my TV, laid down my exercise mat, and got my free weights ready.

An orange-shirted Ben Alldis was on the home screen promoting a “Femme Power” Full Body Workout.

I wasn’t sure what was meant by “Femme Power”, but figured it was a tie-in to Women’s History Month, and probably would be accompanied by a playlist of female artists.

I was up for that. Plus I like Ben. He seems like a nice guy.

I hit play.

And I was right – it was a rah-rah let’s celebrate women and “other identities” class that kicked off with the song Unholy, by Sam Smith and Kim Petras, followed by songs from Dua Lipa, Beyonce, and Demi Lovato.

Ben peppered the workout with comments about the incredible women he works with at Peloton, and the strong mother and sisters who raised him.

It’s fair to say that “Yay, women!” was the theme of the class.

After completing upper body and lower body circuits, I was getting close to the finish line.

I Don’t Care played as Ben took us through the last round of the core workout.

“I’m proud of you today,” he said. “I’m proud of you everyday.”

I could feel my abs burning as we started the tuck up, as I tried to keep my balance while pushing my legs forward and back.

It was tough, but I was feeling good!

I had managed to (almost) finish this workout before anyone came down needing breakfast or help practicing their spelling words.

Then Ben asked, “Who are we getting strong for today?”

“Who are we building that power for?”

“What do you mean, Ben?” I wondered.

And instantly I thought, “No Ben… don’t say it.”

But he said it.

“Whether you’re an incredible caregiver, an incredible mother, an incredible partner, let’s do it for them right to that finish line here.”

Then there was a noticeable pause.

“Or maybe you’re just working out for yourself.”

Oh, Ben…

My core was hurting, but instantly I felt a different kind of pain.

Because it only took a few words for Ben to share a view of women that so many people have.

We need to be strong so we can take care of other people.

Pick up the kids. Help our aging parents get around. Carry the laundry baskets full of clothes up the stairs.

And we need to exercise and get strong so we look good for our partners, too.

“Or maybe you’re just working out for yourself.”

It’s that word – just.

It implies some deficiency, like you’re just doing it for yourself, because you have no one in your life who needs you to be strong for them.

But what’s wrong with doing it for ourselves?

My husband and I both like to take Ben’s classes, and I couldn’t imagine a “Men Power” workout that asked if men were getting stronger so they could be better caregivers, fathers, or partners.

Working out “just” for themselves would be enough.

And it is for women, too.

It’s enough for anyone.

Before you think I’m being overly sensitive, I want to offer that I am a mother. And a wife. And a daughter who is about to take time off work to travel 5000 miles through five time zones to visit my parents, lugging suitcases through airports and hotels – with two young kids in tow.

If I am healthy and strong, of course they benefit.

But so do I!

And in this “self-care/wellness” age we’re living in, aren’t we being encouraged (or guilted) if we’re not taking care of ourselves?

I wanted to know how others felt, so I shared Ben’s words with a handful of women I know in three different countries.

Some are mothers, caregivers, and partners – and some aren’t.

Interestingly, most of them responded like I did — not with shaking fists, but with shaking heads.

“It’s exhausting being a woman,” a mother of two said.

Another woman, a mother of three (who happens to be the fastest runner in her co-ed London running club), commented how the word “just” hit her.

“Just for yourself? Like that should be a lower priority than your caregiving or looks?

“I 100% do my fitness stuff for myself, my wellbeing, my headspace, my self-esteem. There’s the benefit to my kids that it keeps me vaguely sane, but it’s not the reason I do it!”

Another mother said, “It sounded like if you’re just exercising for yourself, it’s incredibly self-indulgent.”

“Why are you not putting other people at the forefront of your exercising thoughts?”

“As usual, we’re not enough.”

Another friend said, “I’m not a mother and don’t need to be in a Peloton class being lectured about not being a caregiver.”

“I’d give him the benefit of the doubt – he said something wrong, but it still reinforces this idea that as women, we’re primarily here to take care of everyone else.”

One other woman I asked was less forgiving.

“Fuck that guy. I’m not a caregiver or a mother. I am a partner, but this idea that a “femme power” has to be because a woman has a position of service for others is fucked up.

“The answer to ‘who are we doing this for today?’ should have been, “We’re doing this for ourselves.”

“We are strong for ourselves. That’s it.”

I’ve been doing workouts with Ben for years — and he comes across as a nice guy.

I don’t think he was trying to reinforce a view that women’s needs are secondary to everyone else’s.

But there are men who do believe that – and women, too.

And as a Peloton instructor, Ben has an opportunity to inform and influence millions of people – and that also comes with a responsibility.

My goal in writing this piece is not to shame or attack him — but to illustrate the power of words.

After 20 years working in communication, I know how easily words can be misunderstood – and how much damage they can do.

If we want things to get better for women, we have to call out the stereotypes and expectations that have hurt us, and continue to hold us back.

And sometimes people — even those with good intentions — will say or do the wrong thing.

It’s on all of us to speak up — respectfully — and help people learn and improve.

So, before I wrote this article, I wrote Ben Alldis a note.

I don’t know if he’ll read it or respond, but the optimist in me wants to believe if Ben knew how his words made people feel, he would choose other words next time.

I want to see Ben — and others — encourage and celebrate women getting stronger for ourselves.

Because that is enough.

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Beth Collier loves writing, pop culture, and Peloton classes with tunes from the 1990s.

She also loves helping companies, leaders, and teams improve their communication (and creativity and leadership) through consulting, coaching, and workshops.

Her clients benefit from Beth’s global corporate experience, Midwestern practicality and enthusiasm, and an endless supply of pop culture references.

To find out how Beth can help you become a more confident, creative, and compelling leader – or improve communication in your company – visit www.beth-collier.com or drop her a line at beth@beth-collier.com

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