The Most Important Thing to Remember About Advice and Feedback
Have you ever met one of those ‘Inspirational Women’? You know, the kind that companies pull out to delude women that they can be a CEO, have a body like a Pussycat Doll AND be the best wife/mother/daughter/friend in the world?
Five years ago, I met one.
I had just finished my maternity leave and returned to my job at an Investment Bank. I was juggling my new identity and the demands of work and motherhood. And here in front of me was a woman who was doing it all: she was stylish, smart, successful – and a mother.
So, I asked her for advice.
“Just hang in there,” Inspirational Woman said to me, as she ran her perfectly manicured fingers through her freshly blow-dried hair. Her large diamonds were glimmering in the light.
Yes, it gets easier. I had heard that before. And found it to be true (to a degree).
“It’s tough now, but remember – you can farm her out when she’s 8,” she said with big smile.
Farm her out? I hadn’t heard that before. I said nothing, but my face clearly communicated my confusion.
“Boarding school!” she proclaimed enthusiastically. “And then you get your life back!”
Inspirational Woman seemed to be equating my new motherhood with a jail sentence. I just had to serve my time, behave, and then I could rejoin society.
And maybe for her, that was the case.
But it wasn’t the case for me. I loved working and was still ambitious – and I also loved being a mom. Spending time with my daughter was a joy (most of the time!). I was ready to fast-forward through certain challenges perhaps, but not the next 8 years!
But that’s the funny thing about advice – people give it from their perspective. They know what worked for them, or what they like, so they tend to advise in that vein.
I’m guilty of it, too
There are few things I love as much as traveling. I would encourage people to travel because I think it builds character. It helps you develop a myriad of skills: communication, negotiation, problem-solving. It teaches you new perspectives and gives you a new appreciation for things you may take for granted (hello, ice!).
That’s my experience, anyway.
If you don’t have a curious mind or an interest in traveling, then you probably shouldn’t do it. For some people, the Eiffel Tower at Paris Las Vegas is just as exciting as the original – but in Vegas you can eat French pastries without speaking French.
If that’s your thing, that’s just fine. Why waste the money and time going to France if you’re going to be frustrated and annoyed? Go to Vegas and spend the morning in Paris and the afternoon in Venice! Throw in a trip to Luxor and New York while you’re at it!
But too often we take advice and feedback and treat it like gold. The person giving the advice may be older, more senior, or more ‘successful’. But that doesn’t mean they know what’s right for you. Even your family and friends will look at life through their lens and experience – and that may be different from yours.
I’ve seen people who were told they had strong skills in one area by a manager, only to be told the opposite by another. If David Mamet asked for my review of his new play, I’d tell him how sharp his writing was and how much I enjoyed it. Others would disagree with me. Was Hobbs and Shaw the best film of The Fast and the Furious franchise or a silly spin-off? Depends who you ask.
Art – and opinions – are subjective.
So, the next time someone gives you advice or feedback, consider the source. Ask yourself how well this person knows you, and what their motivations are for giving you the advice. Look at it as a piece of data. You get to choose how – and if – you use it.
But that’s just my advice.
Beth Collier helps people become stronger communicators and leaders through 1:1 coaching and team workshops. She gives a lot of advice, too, based on 20 years of experience in the corporate world (and a ton of research). Her clients tell her they find her advice valuable - and they get results.
If you want to improve your public speaking, writing, or leadership skills, contact Beth for a free consultation call and check out her services here.