One Communication Skill to Build in 2023

There was a song I learned as a kid in Sunday School that I can still remember now - despite not hearing it for more than 25 years.

It wasn’t in the hymnal, but we would sing it every December.

It was called “Hey, Hey, Anybody Listening?” and the chorus went:

Hey hey, anybody listening?

Hey, hey, anybody there?

Hey, hey, anybody listening?
Then there was a big dramatic pause before we sang:

Anybody care?

I was thinking of that song after I met someone recently.

Our conversation started off with the kind of small talk you’d expect in the beginning of January.

How was your Christmas/New Year, etc…

I was exhausted that day, having just returned from a trip visiting family in Australia and New Zealand (and the 40+ hours I spent traveling back to London).

You’ve got to travel a long way from London to see pohutakawas on the beach…

“So why did you go there for Christmas?” my acquaintance asked.

“My husband is from New Zealand,” I replied. “He grew up there, and all of his family live there.”

I then asked her a question, and listened to her response.

She followed up with another question:

“So, is your husband from England?” 

“No,” I responded calmly, wondering if she’d realize I’d answered this question a minute earlier. 

“He is from New Zealand. He’s a Kiwi. Neither of us are from England.”

Now we’ve all done this – asked a question, not listened, and then asked it again.

Often we realize we’ve repeated ourselves when we hear the same response a second time.

But this person didn’t notice she had already asked me this question, and just kept on talking.

And our brief exchange got me thinking about listening – and how underrated it is as a skill.

I used to have a boss who would say “Two ears, one mouth” – a variation of a quote from the Greek philosopher, Epictetus:

“We have two ears and one mouth, so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

I don’t know if these were his exact words 2000 years ago, but the sentiment is a good one. 

But how many of us listen twice as much as we speak?

During Covid, while others were mastering their skills with sourdough, I decided there was a skill I could work on in between work and homeschooling:

I decided to work on my listening skills. 

Really working on them. 

I thought I was a decent listener already, but I wondered what I might be missing by not listening more.

So I started paying more attention. 

I waited a little longer after a person finished speaking, to make sure they had finished their thought, before I replied.

I looked more for the nonverbal clues.  

I noticed when people’s words did not match their eyes or their tone, especially all the times I heard, “I’m fine” during Covid.

Many people weren’t fine, and when I really listened, I noticed, and I could respond with more empathy.

And like any good scientist, I conducted experiments and did my research.

I am naturally curious, so I would often start conversations with a question.

But now I really paid attention to how the talking/listening dynamic played out with other people.

I noticed how often people…

• answered a question and reciprocated by asking a question

• would interrupt and talk over others in Zoom calls

• would split the time equally (or not) in breakout room discussions. (If you have 4 people in a room and 20 minutes to discuss, the math is easy)

I noticed that there are a lot of people who do not listen well.

And here’s the thing about listening that some people don’t understand, and why it’s a skill: 

True listening requires you to pay attention and focus – not just politely wait for your turn to talk.

I may not be able to make a killer sourdough today, but I can say that I am a better listener than I was three years ago.  

And I’m not finished.

I’m still researching, experimenting, and learning.

So, while many start the new year planning to eat better or exercise more, perhaps 2023 is a good year to work on becoming a better listener.

It doesn’t cost any money.

You don’t need special equipment or to consult with your doctor before you begin.

You can start anytime. 

See what happens when you pay more attention to others.

And it’s not just you that will benefit from improving your listening skills.

As Henry David Thoreau said:

“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”

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Beth Collier loves writing, pop culture, and learning fun facts about people.

She also loves helping companies, leaders, and teams improve their communication (and creativity and leadership) through consulting, coaching, and workshops.

Her clients benefit from Beth’s global corporate experience, Midwestern practicality and enthusiasm, and an endless supply of pop culture references.

To find out how Beth can help you become a more confident, creative, and compelling leader – or improve communication in your company – visit www.beth-collier.com or drop her a line at beth@beth-collier.com

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