Work with Women? Here's Something You Need to Know

There is one line I heard consistently from every midwife and medical professional I encountered when I was pregnant:

“Every pregnancy is different.”

It was quickly followed after I gave birth with:

“Every baby is different.”

Both of these statements were annoying to hear at the time, but after having two children, I learned they were both true.

I was thinking about the mothers I know – and how different their experiences were with pregnancy, breastfeeding, and physical recovery from giving birth – when I read a story recently about two female sports reporters in the US.

Former Monday Night Football sideline host in the US, Lisa Guerrero, has been doing the press rounds to promote her new autobiography, Warrior.

In the book, she described her challenging time as a sports reporter, and revealed she had a “devastating” miscarriage while working a football game in 2003.

Guerrero wrote that she hadn’t spoken about her miscarriage before, and that many of her friends would learn about it for the first time now, when she shared it in her book.

Michele Tafoya, a former Sunday Night Football sideline host, responded to Guerrero’s story with suspicion – and doubt.

Tafoya claimed that she had multiple miscarriages, and had talked openly about her struggles to have a baby.

“Losing a pregnancy between eight and 12 weeks is not uncommon,” she said.
“If it was such pain that she’s carried for 20 years, and her best friends still have to buy the book to learn about it? I see a disconnect there.
“It’s her story to tell, but having been through similar things, trust me when I tell you, my best friends knew.”
“And so, I have my hesitation about, was this truly a devastating miscarriage?”

What?

I don’t know either of these reporters, as neither has a profile in the UK (where I live).

Maybe Tafoya was saying all this for attention, maybe she has a long history with Guerrero and doesn’t like her — but still — I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

Why should Tafoya – or anyone else – cast doubt on how someone said they felt about a miscarriage that happened 20 years ago?

People process pain and loss differently. Just because Guerrero didn’t share her story publicly at the time doesn’t mean she isn’t telling the truth.

Losing a child is painful, and not everyone wants to talk about it.

But to question the legitimacy of someone else’s pain is just cruel.

Miscarriage is sadly common, but talking about it isn’t.

So why do I share this story?

Because for years working in large corporations, I saw working mothers constantly compared and pitted against each other.

Senior leaders, HR business partners, managers, and other employees would openly discuss how many sick days a pregnant woman took, or how long someone’s maternity leave was, or how which mother quickly returned to their pre-pregnancy body (or not).

And they were constantly comparing one mother’s experiences to another’s, as if their circumstances were the same.

“When I was on maternity leave, I was still responding to work emails.”
“When I was pregnant with twins, I worked up until the moment my water broke – in the office!”
“When I had my second, I was on my Blackberry until the doctor told me to push!”

I’ve now been a mother for nine years, and I’ve learned a lot about pregnancy, motherhood, and children during that time.

And I’ve learned that what every midwife told me during my pregnancy is true:

Every pregnancy is different.

And every mother’s experience is different, too.

Some women feel great during pregnancy. Some feel awful.

Some will give birth in a pool, surrounded by scented candles with Enya playing in the background. Others will have frightening, life-threatening deliveries.

Some have a lot of help at home, so may be in contact more during maternity leave. Others will have no help, and may struggle to find time to shower, let alone check in with work.

So the next time you hear someone commenting about another woman’s pregnancy or maternity leave, or comparing her to another mother, please remember that.

Don’t apply your experience – or anyone else’s – to the women you work with or know.

The situations are always different, but here’s one thing I know for sure:

Mothers don’t need judgment from other people.

What we really need is a bit of support.

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Beth Collier loves writing, pop culture, and introducing her kids to music from the 1990s.

She also loves helping companies, leaders, and teams improve their communication (and creativity and leadership) through consulting, coaching, and workshops.

Her clients benefit from Beth’s global corporate experience, Midwestern practicality and enthusiasm, and an endless supply of pop culture references.

To find out how Beth can help you become a more confident, creative, and compelling leader – or improve communication in your company – visit www.beth-collier.com or drop her a line at beth@beth-collier.com

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