Why don’t women speak up?

There are several reasons - Here’s why I didn’t

Earlier this month, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo made a statement addressing the allegations of sexual harassment that have been made against him. While he has been adamant that he ‘never touched anyone inappropriately,’ Cuomo admitted he often made ‘jokes’ that he ‘thought were funny’ and that no one ever told him at the time that he ‘made them feel uncomfortable.’

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (AP Photo/Seth Wenig)

I was talking about Cuomo’s situation and statement with a male friend of mine, who asked, “Why don’t women just say, ‘Stop it’? How hard is it?” 

“Well, I don’t know about all women, but I’ll tell you why I didn’t,” I began.

A few years ago, I was working at a large global company – in a communication role in HR. The first day I started the job, a male colleague said, “So you’re Beth...I’ve heard about you.” 

I knew – and had worked with – many people at the company before.

“Oh?” I asked, sure that he had heard about my powerful red pen and ability to simplify the most complicated materials. “What did you hear?”

“Oh you know,” he said, as his eyes slowly looked me up and down, before making a comment about my body.

During the time that I worked there, this man was constantly making sexual comments to me and other women in the office. Routine questions like ‘How was your weekend?’ were replaced with ‘Get laid this weekend?’ If a woman complained she was feeling tired, he’d make a crack about her being up all night having sex. When a 50-old colleague said she was going to the hair salon after work to ‘get rid of her grays’, he asked if she also ‘dyed her pubes.’ 

When he returned from a work trip to the US, he told me that he thought about me while he was there. 

“Yeah, when I was at Hooters!” he said with a grin.

He thought he was funny. I thought he was annoying. Immature. Inappropriate. Most of the time I rolled my eyes at his comments, told him he was a pig, or just ignored him.

And I avoided interacting with him as much as I could. 

But, even after nearly 20 years of working, I was surprised by his behavior. When we think about sexual harassers or creeps in the office, we think about Harvey Weinstein – the boss who withholds a job unless he gets sex. Or we think it’s the office dinosaur who hasn’t outgrown the environment depicted in Mad Men.

But this guy was 40 years old. Old enough to know better, but young enough that he should have had a bit more sense. And, this was happening in a post #MeToo world, so clearly there are people who still haven’t learned the lessons that movement was hoping to spread. 

What was interesting about his targets is that we ticked off all kinds of diversity targets: Black, Indian, White European, single, engaged, married – and our ages ranged from 30 to 50. It wasn’t about what we looked like – it was that we were women. We were all contractors on a project, and as contractors, we were easily expendable. Although he wasn’t our direct boss, he managed a program that we were keen to be part of. And because he decided who got to work on the program, he did have power over us.

So we said nothing. 

In fact, I didn’t know his comments bothered others until one fateful chat in the ladies’ room where one by one we all shared our frustration. We agreed he was annoying – but probably wasn’t going to physically do anything. So we kept our heads down and our mouths shut. We needed our jobs.

I considered telling my boss, but I didn’t because I didn’t believe anything would happen. He and the guy were not exactly ‘friends’, but they were friendlier than my boss was with me, or any of the other women. 

And the problem with making a complaint is you get slapped with that label. You become ‘that woman’ – the one who can’t take a joke, the one who is overly sensitive, or the one who’s so full of herself that she thinks everyone wants her. I know because I did report someone years ago who was inappropriate with me (both with his words and his hands). Other people witnessed it, backed me up, and still nothing happened to him.

I also considered saying something to the guy who was making the comments. I work in communication, after all. I know my way around a difficult conversation. But I didn’t trust that he’d have the humility or the maturity to listen – or to change. And so instead, I did what women often do: I avoided him as much as I could, and moved on.

But looking back, I wish I had said something. He needed to know how his actions and words were making people feel. It wasn’t just me – it was several of us – and possibly even more than we knew. Did he say those things because he was socially awkward – or was he deliberately trying to make us feel uncomfortable?  

So, now what?

Sadly, stories like this are all-too-common – and it’s not right to put the onus on women to solve this problem alone.

Organizations can tout values like ‘respect’ and ‘inclusivity,’ but those are just words on paper without the culture and conditions that encourage people to speak up when something is wrong.

Leaders and managers need be intentional with the example they set, the behavior they encourage (or tolerate), and the environment they foster. Be curious and show care for your employees. If you’re not sure how people feel, ask them. Everyone can be an ally. Speak up if you hear a colleague say something inappropriate to someone else - just as you would if you saw physical violence in the workplace.

In Governor Cuomo’s case, he should have thought about how his words might have made other people feel. Imagine being young and junior, and your powerful boss makes comments about your sex life. You know he can influence where your career goes – both up and out. What would you do? Would you tell him his ‘jokes’ weren’t funny?

Organizations must create the conditions that encourage people to speak up. 

And when people have the courage to speak up, the organization and leaders need to listen – and do something.